Menopause isn’t the end, it’s a threshold.

Menopause is not only physical. It can affect mood, patience, confidence, sleep, identity, and how much you can carry. I offer space to make sense of that change, especially when life feels less manageable than it used to.

Before I was a therapist, I was a yoga teacher. At one point I was teaching 10 classes a week (too many in my opinion) but my point is, I was really active. I consider myself well resourced when it comes to support of my therapist, my friends and I meditate (do all the things that you’re ‘supposed’ to do basically). And yet I was bone tired, weary, snappy and my joints ached. It was actually the nurses and ex nurses that used to come to my yoga classes who said to me they thought I was having hormonal changes. I went to my doctor to be told I was far too young. Then I started doing a bit more research myself into the stage of menopause.

There’s a lot more conversation now around the physical side of menopause, and doctors like Dr Louise Newson have done a huge amount to bring that into the open. For some women, support like HRT can make a real difference. But alongside that, there’s often an emotional and identity shift happening too and that’s the part I tend to work with.

Here’s a story we’ve all been told about menopause. That it’s a decline, things start to fade and that mainly you just have to get on with it. I’m sure everyone has a story of a family member going through ‘the change’. I often heard stories of women in the family going through a phase where they ‘went mental’ and then it was just never mentioned again. But what happened to those women in the past? They were just left to get on with it and often they were ostracised or vilified for going through a very natural phase of their life as a woman. Some women were applauded for not bothering anyone with it. Were they women just left to feel like they were a bother for being angry? Or they were irrational or raging or just ‘mad’. And the truth is, they were probably justified in feeling the way they did. Women are historically conditioned to put up and shut up. And this is no different. We are conditioned to not be a bother to anyone. To no ask for what we need, keep doing what we are doing and put a smile on our face.

The way I see menopause now is very different. I see menopause as a threshold. A step away from where you were and into something else. A point where something in you starts to say ‘No more’. Not always in a dramatic way (although sometimes it can’t help but burst out). Something in your body starts to become firmer in what you don’t want for yourself.

It doesn’t feel calm, it feels like everything is shifting around you.

Most women don’t come into this phase feeling wise and grounded.. They feel overwhelmed, angry, exhausted, anxious and the scariest part is that they don’t feel like they recognise themselves. The version of you that used to be able to cope with everything life threw at you doesn’t seem to be working anymore.

And that’s the point. Something is changing at in your nervous system, your identity, your body and its not just hormonal. It’s a reorganisation of who you are.
That likeable, capable, reliable part of you that always shows up and gets things done feels offline. And if might feel like its been replaced by someone who’s forgetful, angry, disorganised and just wants to be left alone. Menopause has a way of stripping back all the things that are no longer working for you. This can leave you feeling like you’re not coping. The way I see it, maybe some things need to change.

To use a work analogy, in your career you would evaluate what things are working, what things aren’t.

You renegotiate pay terms and working conditions on a regular basis.

So why does that not happen in life stages? Or when it does, it’s met with annoyance or accusations of ‘you’ve changed’.
The fact is….We are all changing all the time!

Children grow up, parents get older, people move away, careers change, and yet we expect ourselves to keep rolling on as normal as if nothing has happened. That’s why this feels so hard. And if people around you care about you, if you care about yourself, you should be able to adapt your life according to the season you are in.

I understand this all feels overwhelming to even think ‘where do I start?’ but I think this is where therapy helps. It helps you get really clear about what your body is crying out for. It will be as varied as you are. It will look different to every person because it’s uniquely yours. But it will feel honest and clearer. And hopefully more like the version of you that is screaming for a change.

You don’t need to have it all figured out, you just need somewhere to start. And a cup of tea and a hand to hold while you do it.

Take care of yourself.

Clare

Books and resources I recommend.

Hagitude by Sharon Blackie -a different way of thinking about ageing, power and the second half of life.
Dr Louise Newson’s menopause resources -clear medical information and support.
Women who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés- remembering the instinctive, untamed part of yourself and finding your way back to it.